A Rough Year – Part 2

The last blog I wrote demonstrated how I was quickly unravelling. I had this absolutely massive, insurmountable fear that is too difficult to discuss in great detail. Running in tandem my mind had also found new themes about Brittni and it firmly spread it’s roots. What should have been an unusual, perhaps uncomfortable thought about pushing Brittni over a bridge turned into full moral quandary. Such is the mind that attaches meaning and significance where it isn’t warranted.

This harm theme would continue and morph into different iterations of essentially the same worry – that I could lose control of my faculties and commit a grievous act towards my wife. Quickly my mind gravitated to common forms of weapons just about everyone has access to – knives. I was afraid to touch them, clean them, be in any kind of close proximity to them. I had an overwhelming compulsion to hide them as to remove them from my sight. Just the thought of a knife immediately conjured up horrific images of what I could be capable of doing. This would bother me for weeks – perhaps months. Brittni has always been aware of each and every obession I manifest into my consciousness. Most often I communicate these intrusive thoughts to her as a compulsion. I have an immediate need to relieve myself of some of the shame, guilt and anxiety that comes with some of these wild and irrational thoughts. Much in the same way as always, Brittni helped guide me through the trenches of my own mind. With some time and spousal counsel I was able to manage my fear of knives, but not quite eradicate it.

While all of this was playing out, I was beginning to encounter an entirely new theme involving vehicular manslaughter. I’ve mentioned in a blog past that I drive a truck for a living and that my job requires me to operate with limited visibility at times and an abundance of blind spots. At this time in my life I had minimal driving experience in large vehicles and I was still learning the ropes. It is good practise in the industry to check your mirrors. My mind had developed a new habit of constantly checking the mirrors for hazards. Normally someone without OCD would check their mirrors once and be satisfied that it was safe to maneuver. My OCD mind however was not satisfied. Rather than check once and make a move, I would have to check at minimum 3-4 times which would cause delay and disruption on the road. Having to do this compulsion in a car is one thing – in a big truck is an entirely different beast. Even after I finally managed to make my maneuver, I was not convinced my eyes were relaying correct information. I would keep checking my mirrors over and over, often having to pull over to get out of my truck to analyze my surroundings. I was looking for bodies on the road to ensure I hadn’t run over a pedestrian. Regardless of the length I went to assure myself I hadn’t hit anyone or anything, I would still look back in those mirrors. Slowly I would continue down the road until eventually the area of concern became so obscure and faint in my mirrors that I was forced to continue. On my very worst days where I simply couldn’t accept that I hadn’t hit anyone (even though I checked numerous times) I would have to circle back in my truck and repeat a portion of my route, sometimes with great difficulty as getting turned around isn’t always easy in a truck. On a few occasions after I had finished my shift I simply couldn’t finalize my day without knowing for sure whether I committed a hit and run. So I would return to the route in question, sometimes hours later in my own personal vehicle. Often times these routes were over an hour away. It didn’t matter to me – I needed that closure.

This still troubles me from time to time today. I still find myself checking my mirrors more than once. I no longer fall prey to having to get out and check my surroundings, revisiting routes, etc. Eventually like most obessions, they eventually slip from habituation or they get replaced by an alternate worry. That being said I was also dealing with a much bigger, stickier taboo obession. I was becoming crippled by this obession. I was afraid to leave the house. It was of the magnitude that I had to have Brittni with me to be my eyes and ears in order to go out and do simple tasks. I required her closeby for instantaneous reassurance. When I had occasionally built up enough confidence to brave the outside world I would pick certain places and locations that would lessen my chance of encountering this specific fear. Sometimes we would frequent stores at night just so I could minimize my exposure. My job was one of the few places I felt confident enough to partake in without assistance. This was fortunate at the time as my job is quite reclusive and I spend most days by myself in the cab of a truck.

This would go on for months until this newly adapted lifestyle was becoming unsustainable. I was mentally exhausted. At work I was fighting the aforementioned hit and run theme while simultaneously trying to control every aspect of life through limiting exposure to the outside world. I seldom left the house other than to join family gatherings. The only person to know I was suffering for some time was Brittni and the burden of my weight to bare was solely on her shoulders. This would quickly change however, as during one such family gathering I subsequently couldn’t contain my ‘brave’ face any longer. In a fit of tears and emotional toil I explained that I have these thoughts that I can’t control that bring me extreme anxiety and I’ve had them as long as I can remember. I laboured to explain many of my recent obessive ideations, as I went pain-stakingly through each occurrence. I also explained many of which had come and gone in my early years as an adolescent. My family is as good as it gets. I knew I was in safe company. They all supported me, and gave me comfort in the moment. This wouldn’t change the course of my disorder, however. I felt a certain relief that I no longer had to hide this disorder from my family. In many ways it was a revelatory moment for much of my family, as they likely saw my obessive nature as just unusual character traits. I do have a silly personality – it would have been easy to dismiss. It was also very cathartic and healing as many of my family members also suffer from OCD and hadn’t made that connection yet to their own disorder. Having family support was and continues to be essential to my wellbeing. I couldn’t have imagined bearing that immense mental burden alone.

I reached out to my family physician who prescribed me Zoloft, a antidepressant among the class of SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) used to treat many mental disorders. I was told what they would do and how they work but I was very reluctant to use them for fear of unwanted side effects. So I didn’t. I was adamant I was going to persevere without a drug intervention. And so I continued on with the support of Brittni and my family, often leaning heavily on them for reassurance. This would go on for the better part of a year.

In time, I did persevere; Throughout most of my childhood right into my early adulthood I had fought many battles without a name to my disorder, just simply treading water without a why or how to deal with it. But I did. Slowly I recovered with years and years of time and aid from my loved ones who enabled me to reintegrate back into my usual behaviours and mannerisms. This would last for many years – approximately 10 with little to no new obessions. I would get the occasional flare up of old worries, or a situational circumstance that would warrant a higher degree of stress that agitated my anxiety but I had it under control. Key word here – HAD.

I had the majority of this post written many months ago and I’ve finally dedicated time to finish and publish it. With this post it finalizes almost every aspect of my life regarding OCD from it’s earliest inception right up until 2011-2012. I have completed what I set to write about in establishing my history. However, my story most certainly does not come to an end here. I have more posts ready to be published and more in the works – so stay tuned!