New Relationship – New OCD Theme

Recently I’ve written alot about my distant past and memories I’ve had and never forgotten. While many of these OCD experiences I moved on from, a select few themes have essentially never left me – constantly evolving and changing as my age, mindset and priorities shift.

I mentioned in my last blog that I need to skip ahead in time once more and fast forward right up to the end of high school. I was 18 entering my 5th year (Yes, 5th – I failed one too many courses, so I was forced to take what was known as a Victory Lap) and I was reluctant to have to do so. Most of my friends were leaving onto greener pastures such as university or college, and I didn’t really associate with many people that were outside of my age group. I wasn’t very popular amongst my peers, so the few friends I had that remained were navigating several social circles and had little time for me. As I attended my 5th year I was commingling with different classmates I wasn’t familiar with. It was like starting as a freshmen once again, only condensed down to one additional year. It was exciting yet also terrifying.

This was around the time I met my future wife, who also happened to be my first and only girlfriend. I had interest in girls years before I met my wife, however social anxieties that followed me throughout my childhood continued to haunt me. Any female I would ever consider suited for me was perceptually out of my league or didn’t consider me anything more than an acquaintance. I also wasn’t about to put myself out there and risk being rejected. This fear of rejection started well into my elementary years and had transitioned into my early adulthood.

Brittni and I met in school during an elective course, of which I would initially attend periodically to get one of the few credits I required. I wasn’t particularly enthralled by the content of the course, but rather by the individuals in the class. A chum of mine was getting familiar with a few girls assigned to us for a group class project; I tagged along almost as his reluctant wingman. He was far more extroverted than I could ever be at the time, and so he was the icebreaker for me to make my introduction. I was nervous as hell and rediculously unqualified to be talking to the opposite sex. I tried my best to remain calm, cool and collected but one girl in particular made me feel a certain type of way. The more we spent time in this collective the more I realized I had interest in learning more about who this girl was. I started walking to classes with her, hanging out with her in social settings involving her friends – basically if it involved getting closer to her I was onboard. It didn’t take long after that first initial connection for us to start spending time together outside of school settings. More school projects would inevitably arise and when you were required to choose a partner for assignments we would choose one another. Unfortunately for her she would discover afterwards that I had a lazy tendancy to neglect homework and so she was burdened with additional workload to cover my shortcomings. She might feel differently if asked now, but I truly don’t think she minded in the moment – we were spending time learning about each other. Eventually we got to the point where we were spending a considerable amount of time with each other in and outside of school. I was introduced to her parents, and her mine. I think we both knew we were unofficially a couple, but the funny thing is I never did present the question to her. I was still being controlled by a certain level of inadequacy.

So far I’ve painted a pretty clean and tidy picture of our perfect little relationship – and genuinely it is. It’s only when my OCD perspective, or ‘lens’, fabricates an ulterior narrative. This is where my ROCD, or more commonly referred to as ‘Relationship’ OCD starts. Naturally as I spent more time with Brittni, I also got to know her friends. They were all good people with varying types of personalities – some even partaking in more colourful activities. By this, I mean they choose to consume the flower that makes you happy and hungry. Marijuana. A quick backstory; growing up I was taught to believe that all drugs were bad and as a child this was reinforced when my eldest sister convinced me to sign a ‘contract’ not to consume any substances until I was old enough to make my own decisions. She was also forewarned about drug use and held the same misguided conceptualization that weed is a scary foreign substance that causes you to lose control of your faculties. It also happened to be a controlled drug at the time, which didn’t help the social taboo about it’s consumption.

Bearing this in mind it was only a matter of time until my mind conjured up scenarios in which Brittni was getting high with her friends. When we were absent from one another, this was the perfect opportunity to spiral uncontrollably with doubt. Was she getting high? Why would she do that? Does this mean we aren’t compatible? I can’t date someone who is into that. These were just a few examples of questions that I couldn’t receive an answer. No longer could I simply ask my mother for reassurance. I would pry Brittni for details if she was going to a house party or social event. Who’s going to be there? What do you think you’ll do while you’re there? Will you be hanging out for awhile? Futile and ineffective methodologies used to grasp at a dubious conclusion. When I couldn’t calm the incessent nagging and didn’t know for sure, I essentially found her guilty by association. And so I held a level of quiet resentment everytime she went out with her friends, frustrated with my lack of knowledge about her comings and goings. To some this might seem like a controlling tendency and perhaps at a fundamental level it was, however it was largely motivated by an insidious and uncontrollable tick to know something for certain. The unknown would eat at me and it would often take days for me to get over, reassuring myself that she wasn’t partaking in such illicit activities. The anxiety I would encounter was never much more than a 3 out of 10, however it would impact my mood around her. When she asked why I was troubled I would deny I was experiencing any negative feelings. How do you express irrational thoughts to someone you just began developing feelings for without coming across as a control freak?

Times have changed since then and now I know the benefits (and the side effects) of this particular compound and have completely changed my viewpoint towards it. Unfortunately this specific issue would continue at different times throughout our relationship along with a myriad of new ROCD themes that get emotional, heavy and challenging. Stay tuned to hear about those stories.